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Driving home last night from work I felt a pain in my chest and felt as if I was going to cry. After looking at some transitional photos on tumblr and pinterest I started to feel good about myself and thinking everything will be alright. That all changed when I got home and looked in the mirror and felt as if it's never going to happen. I just stared for a moment or two feeling the pain of seeing this male figure in the mirror instead of the female one that I see in my mind. I know that a part of me is still fighting the change and haven't flung myself fully into transitioning as I can tell I still try to portray myself as male in various parts of my life while others I can find myself being more feminine.

I want to progress more, I want to do things like get my nails done and go shopping for clothes, I would love to just sit at places to eat with friends who are like me or being able to talk with them through text or over the phone. I basically want camaraderie but I doesn't seem like that will happen in my life. Which is another thing as to why I'm having a hard time transitioning as I just don't have any of that. I know my wife would love to do that but I can't move too fast with her as last time I tried we had a bit of a discussion over several thing and I just don't/can't do it again..

I really didn't know what to title today's or rather last night's post as it deals with a lot of subjects for me and none of which seem to have a resolution either. I really don't know what else to type so I think I may leave things like that. I think I'll try to smile throughout the day and hope my life will turn itself around.

-Jirah