Another Day, Another Life
Lately I've been stressed out and tired from the amount of hours I was pulling into work. While trying to go to bed at a reasonable time I was also trying to play Monster Hunter, play with the dogs, spend time with the wife and take care of myself. Basically I felt as if I was failing on all fronts. If there wasn't one thing I had to neglect it was another and the isolation I put myself in was not helping matters either. Despite friends playing Monster Hunter I would always just play with random people instead of having fun with the people I have known for a long time. I basically started going into my shell again when I finally came to terms with being Transgender and secluded myself even more when I started hormones.
To this day I am not sure why I secluded myself still as their are others who feel like me; but I think it stems back from when I was 17 and came to the realization that I should have been born a woman. Back then I felt alone, isolated and wanted to hide my true self from the world and thus began to build walls around myself to protect not only myself but also my parents so they would not see what a freak I was. Only now after about 10 years of hiding this fact of my life the walls have become a castle...No a Labyrinth in which I am desperately trying to find my way out and get back to living life. Each day I see something new: When depressed I see my death whether by homicide or suicide which is the most abundant or joy in which I am finally the woman I imagined myself to be with a family. While imagination is good this has severely stunted my growth as the images in my mind often times do not add up to what I see when I look in the mirror. With this imbalance I begin to withdraw, restart and try a different approach. The best way to describe it is like restarting a game when you had already gotten so far so you never see the rest of the the game; but rather the starting portions all over again.
This time feels different though as every so often I can feel my feminine side emerge more and break through and find its way through the maze of my mind. I can feel as if I want to go out and socialize some more despite my appearance and show myself off to the world; something which I would rarely ever do in the past. Taking more strides to become more open and to show my emotions rather than showcasing myself as being a hollow shell. While the imagination of greener pastures are still in my mind I do not use those as a guideline of what I feel I should absolutely have in life; but rather aspects of life that would be nice if they were to happen. I'm smiling more as I progress and trying to reclaim friends who may have known me under various aliases. I am pursing better more meaningful relationships with people rather than a one off talk here or there. I made a decision after my last suicide attempt that I would see myself through this life till the very end. Now that I am back on hormones I will make another decision and that is to make it through this life as my true self. No more backing down or away from what I feel in my heart and my soul.
I'm sure I will trip up along the way and hopefully I will have made some friends in the way of helping me back on my feet. I had that before a few, but I messed it all up although that is the purpose of life is to learn and grow in which I can definitely tell that I have grown I just hope I can continue to grow with others by my side.
-Jirah
To this day I am not sure why I secluded myself still as their are others who feel like me; but I think it stems back from when I was 17 and came to the realization that I should have been born a woman. Back then I felt alone, isolated and wanted to hide my true self from the world and thus began to build walls around myself to protect not only myself but also my parents so they would not see what a freak I was. Only now after about 10 years of hiding this fact of my life the walls have become a castle...No a Labyrinth in which I am desperately trying to find my way out and get back to living life. Each day I see something new: When depressed I see my death whether by homicide or suicide which is the most abundant or joy in which I am finally the woman I imagined myself to be with a family. While imagination is good this has severely stunted my growth as the images in my mind often times do not add up to what I see when I look in the mirror. With this imbalance I begin to withdraw, restart and try a different approach. The best way to describe it is like restarting a game when you had already gotten so far so you never see the rest of the the game; but rather the starting portions all over again.
This time feels different though as every so often I can feel my feminine side emerge more and break through and find its way through the maze of my mind. I can feel as if I want to go out and socialize some more despite my appearance and show myself off to the world; something which I would rarely ever do in the past. Taking more strides to become more open and to show my emotions rather than showcasing myself as being a hollow shell. While the imagination of greener pastures are still in my mind I do not use those as a guideline of what I feel I should absolutely have in life; but rather aspects of life that would be nice if they were to happen. I'm smiling more as I progress and trying to reclaim friends who may have known me under various aliases. I am pursing better more meaningful relationships with people rather than a one off talk here or there. I made a decision after my last suicide attempt that I would see myself through this life till the very end. Now that I am back on hormones I will make another decision and that is to make it through this life as my true self. No more backing down or away from what I feel in my heart and my soul.
I'm sure I will trip up along the way and hopefully I will have made some friends in the way of helping me back on my feet. I had that before a few, but I messed it all up although that is the purpose of life is to learn and grow in which I can definitely tell that I have grown I just hope I can continue to grow with others by my side.
-Jirah
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