Transitioning Phase One
My mind wanders a lot and today is no exception. Michigan as a state seems to have moved from it's dreary coldness to dreary wetness as the water falls from the sky and stays in it's watery form rather than fall as snow. Winter by a long shot isn't over, but this sure is better than having to drive in the white powder. As I sit here on my yoga ball waiting for the right time so I can get ready for work I begin to dream of old once again.
A time where it didn't matter what you thought whether you felt masculine, feminine, or somewhere in between my mind races back to that. As I looked into the mirror washing my face I saw the woman buried underneath everything and just begging to come out. I was once on hormones for approximately five months in which my parents and significant other knew about it and that's it. My parents are certainly not favorable about it and the significant other would support me in any way. Well one night during our argument I flushed them down the toilet and tried to completely "masculate" myself which is something that I am no stranger to. Going to the gym, trying to be as macho as possible only this time the phase lasted but a month before I could feel my insides start to squirm and my head began to swim. I felt as if I was doing myself and the world a disservice by not being authentic, by hiding behind something I thought everyone had wanted. I generally give up my own wants, needs, and desires to help those around me. From the day I was born the process was on-going.
Now as my 29th birthday draws near and I get closer to 30 I feel the urge once again to just live my life as I see fit. Not wanting to listen to anybody else on how I should think, feel and act; but rather listen to my heart and soul and pray for guidance in this time as I once did before. Living a lie will hurt a person emotionally and spiritually and I believe that is what happened to me to the point that I am merely walking around in pain; but when I rushed into HRT without first coming to terms with myself I was also causing myself pain as well. I had not fully come to terms with everything and I was still answering the call my parents put forth whenever they beckoned because that was how I was raised. I never cut the cord and was able to live once I turned 18 or even 21 so their influence still weighed heavy on me. Now I feel as if I can't do this I will die and my body seems to be responding to that as well as I become more lethargic than normal and find myself in a few more depressive states. So now feels like it is time as I do quite a bit of self-reflection and care in which I find myself saying "This was who you were and felt like before the fall." A time in which I was still young and could be myself at times though it was hidden from time to time. Days in which I saw myself in the mirror and even "glam'd" myself up with mother's make-up or some that I had bought secretly. Those were days I felt alive and joy those are the days I would love to have back.
So now I sit wondering if I go back to the doctor and get prescribed hormones and get my blood checked once again. I feel as if I'd be rushing back in, but on the other hand this is what I want I just don't have the finances to enact everything I want with electrolysis being the major nightmare as I don't really have much in the way of disposable funds ( Then again these days who does? ). I'm thankful my company of Walgreens as least has insurance that will cover a portion of my doctor's visits and 3 months supply of HRT in that way I feel as if the Lord has blessed me. Now I just wait for a miracle in which the road before me will appear smooth rather than filled with debris as I try to navigate back to my old life and smile once again.
-Jirah
A time where it didn't matter what you thought whether you felt masculine, feminine, or somewhere in between my mind races back to that. As I looked into the mirror washing my face I saw the woman buried underneath everything and just begging to come out. I was once on hormones for approximately five months in which my parents and significant other knew about it and that's it. My parents are certainly not favorable about it and the significant other would support me in any way. Well one night during our argument I flushed them down the toilet and tried to completely "masculate" myself which is something that I am no stranger to. Going to the gym, trying to be as macho as possible only this time the phase lasted but a month before I could feel my insides start to squirm and my head began to swim. I felt as if I was doing myself and the world a disservice by not being authentic, by hiding behind something I thought everyone had wanted. I generally give up my own wants, needs, and desires to help those around me. From the day I was born the process was on-going.
Now as my 29th birthday draws near and I get closer to 30 I feel the urge once again to just live my life as I see fit. Not wanting to listen to anybody else on how I should think, feel and act; but rather listen to my heart and soul and pray for guidance in this time as I once did before. Living a lie will hurt a person emotionally and spiritually and I believe that is what happened to me to the point that I am merely walking around in pain; but when I rushed into HRT without first coming to terms with myself I was also causing myself pain as well. I had not fully come to terms with everything and I was still answering the call my parents put forth whenever they beckoned because that was how I was raised. I never cut the cord and was able to live once I turned 18 or even 21 so their influence still weighed heavy on me. Now I feel as if I can't do this I will die and my body seems to be responding to that as well as I become more lethargic than normal and find myself in a few more depressive states. So now feels like it is time as I do quite a bit of self-reflection and care in which I find myself saying "This was who you were and felt like before the fall." A time in which I was still young and could be myself at times though it was hidden from time to time. Days in which I saw myself in the mirror and even "glam'd" myself up with mother's make-up or some that I had bought secretly. Those were days I felt alive and joy those are the days I would love to have back.
So now I sit wondering if I go back to the doctor and get prescribed hormones and get my blood checked once again. I feel as if I'd be rushing back in, but on the other hand this is what I want I just don't have the finances to enact everything I want with electrolysis being the major nightmare as I don't really have much in the way of disposable funds ( Then again these days who does? ). I'm thankful my company of Walgreens as least has insurance that will cover a portion of my doctor's visits and 3 months supply of HRT in that way I feel as if the Lord has blessed me. Now I just wait for a miracle in which the road before me will appear smooth rather than filled with debris as I try to navigate back to my old life and smile once again.
-Jirah
Comments
Post a Comment